55 years of - you decide

In order to be a human and a whole one at that apparently it is necessary to have your own focus in life I started of with an art as my focus When I tried to make my art my living it started ok ish but soon dived into a pleasure bending marriage ending spiral down into illness So, whilst I was wondering if I was Prince Charles - I did have big ears and I did say controversial things and I did have a beautiful young wife and two children at the time - or whilst I was talking to the cameras and microphones in the walls of our house or practicing in my head how I would receive the bullet that was about to rip through my neck - would I jiggle just so in order that it would pass through all my major organs and not harm me - could I really be the second coming? Can I drive through that wall and float over the tree tops? Well, there was that lot and more - I kept knocking my elbows off for one thing Every time we needed money as a family I froze - couldn't work it - mentally hea...

I am at a stage in my life where I am content on so many levels. I do have patterns in my life that I still would like to be different but I live in the country I live in and and and etc I love the thought of being my own financial boss In order to provide for myself financially I have to meet people In order to be a stable business it is best to have long term customers - people you deal with for years if possible Therefore I have to live a high income, self employed, low lifestyle life so that I can get enough money to live for a length of time on before I have to meet another human with gaining money as the ultimate aim At the moment, and for the past 20 plus years I have lived a very low income, very low lifestyle self employed or ill way of life that, with few odd exceptions, like the trial for a company delivering gas to sites in Scotland, or looking after my friend's smallholding for a week, or the time I tried to be a minor drug dealer - and failed, with few odd...

Thank you, all you 'couldn't be bothered' doctors

My nose specialist was a very gentle man I said "Do I have to hurl my head backwards and twist myself into some strange shape so you can see what you need to see?" He said "No need to hurl your head back or contort yourself for me. Just sit where you are and very slightly tilt your head - no, not that much, just a tiny bit. That's it." He too some stainless steel nostril spreaders and gently slightly widened my nose holes. Gently and slightly. "You need a scan so we can see more" he said I went to the scan He saw the results "Polyps. Nasal Polyps" he said "Lots of them - absolutely packed. Beeen growing for a long long time. Wonder how anyone missed that?" he mused Do I sue? Or do I just decide I am as worthless as the doctors have for all these years?

Which would have been really odd surrounded by other children who weren't had it not been for two girls of my own age who both were sex maniacs - well, one of then definitely was! Thinking about it there were actually four or five girls where I grew up who were enjoyably sexual One was my best friend who I lost because we were discovered being sexual with each other - I never saw her again

There was a beautiful cock pheasant strutting it's stuff on a further hilltop - a dust covered field of stubble from the recent wheat cropping. In the middle distance ran a road through the throat of the valley. A minor class road with a few bushes and trees along its borders. There were a few cars runing slowly from a to b. My rifle had a kill humans range of about a mile, maybe a mile and a quarter on a good day. Pheasant or car? I fired at the pheasant and whipped the dust at his feet. He flew. I turned and dropped my aim to the road below. I fired

Nose rags Imagine your nose is running as if you have a severe allergy to something or you have one hell of a cold One of those runs that can catch you unawares and just drop from your nose onto anything below, your dinner, the book you are reading, the computer you are repairing, your lover's head. Or one of those explosive ejections that looks like a green/yellow flying spiders web or small bucket of gloop - especially good when in a crowd of friends and one of them makes you laugh. I don't have to imagine the above Many years of the above

By the time I moved to this part of the UK it was a rare moment when I could smell something. Anything. I have spent many a wasted moment over the past twenty years asking doctors why. When was the Queen Mother 80? That was a week after I saw my first specialist regarding my nose.  Non specific Vasomotor Rhinitis was the decision. for many doctors it was an easy answer to give Smoking I smoke

http://www.senseofsmell.org/feature/smell101/lesson2/02.php Total loss of the sense of smell, known as Anosmia, results from various causes and can have a profound effect on a person’s quality of life. Olfactory damage is a significant sensory loss that affects 1-2% of the American population. Approximately 200,000 people seek medical attention related to smell disorders each year in the United States (Doty, 2003). Occasionally damage to the sense of smell goes undetected, even though smell dysfunction can severely alter a person’s quality of life and even put them at risk for many dangers. Studies show that the majority of the two million Americans that experience smell loss are age 65 or older, as the sense of smell tends to decrease with age. Dr. Susan Schiffman from Duke University reports, “gradual reduction, or loss, of taste and smell appears to be an unfortunate but normal part of aging” ( http://.obssr.od.nih.gov/Publications/TASTE.HTM , 2005). Additionally, the elderly pop...

http://www.senseofsmell.org/feature/smell101/lesson1/01.php Whether for finding food, avoiding predators or choosing a mate, the sense of smell is critical for the existence of almost all creatures. We humans, able to distinguish over 10,000 different odor molecules, utilize our sense of smell for a multitude of activities from enjoying the aroma of freshly brewed coffee to deciding whom not to sit next to on the bus.

I hid away from people I starved I became so paranoid I talked out loud to the corners of the room at the cameras that actually weren't there I was on the verge of dying a number of times I became so suicidal I am still surprised to be here today I broke myself in order to rebuild a better me It worked to a great extent

Before my first child was 9 months old I came close to swinging him by his feet and smashing his head against the wall

I love this World I feel truly alive many times I am not phased by scale I take drugs I have been doing my own thing since forever I have lived in the west and in the east of the UK as well as a bit in the south and the north 99% of the people I have talked to since being on this planet have been ok When I was a young teenager it dawned on me that the money system that was controlling my parents lives and their abilities to provide for us was based on a known and accepted lie - Join in and you can change the world from the inside - join in and you are bought and paid for - for the amount you earn you add ten or a hundred fold to the resources of those who oppress others - the top 10% - after many years what do I think now? I have come close to dying a number of times whilst trying to live to the full I have had a long, long period of reconstruction following a major period of illness - 2 fifths of my life has been lonely illness I have been married more than once I have chi...