In order to be a human and a whole one at that apparently it is necessary to have your own focus in life
I started of with an art as my focus
When I tried to make my art my living it started ok ish but soon dived into a pleasure bending marriage ending spiral down into illness
So, whilst I was wondering if I was Prince Charles - I did have big ears and I did say controversial things and I did have a beautiful young wife and two children at the time - or whilst I was talking to the cameras and microphones in the walls of our house or practicing in my head how I would receive the bullet that was about to rip through my neck - would I jiggle just so in order that it would pass through all my major organs and not harm me - could I really be the second coming? Can I drive through that wall and float over the tree tops?
Well, there was that lot and more - I kept knocking my elbows off for one thing
Every time we needed money as a family I froze - couldn't work it - mentally headfucked for days, months sometimes.
Christmas and birthdays were a nightmare
I had set up my life pattern so that only if someone walked into my life with an offer of something I could do and a cash sum at the end of it would I then do it - I kept meeting new people and my head was in overload anyway
If you are running a life using a brain that is pre fucked ready for your misuse then you are assigned to the pits of hell... and so is anyone around you... your wives your children your friends your neighbors those you work with
If there is damage done it needs mending
Happy dancing spirits are held down by deep inadequacies, by woes that fill buckets, by sadness and longing, by tragedies and pain.
My children and my wife and family and friends rarely got any presents off me
towards the end of the worst of the worst even if I did get a job to do at the right time it would still fuck up for one reason or another - I might do a superb job but have the person decide not to pay or I might slip and snap something because my hands were shaking so much - not from drink, or drugs but illness.
During all of this, all the shit times in fact, over many many many years, my survival and my brain's survival has been one of my main aims.
Had to be
When I was being damaged, after I was damaged, when I was ill, during the now days of my then, I had to hold something steady. Had to maintain something that was pathlike, string like, a direction, 'my way'
I remember after everything had fallen to bits on me for the umpteenth time a long while before any of the speak about I just spoke about I drew up a list of different next directions that I might choose from
Alexander Technique
Publish a magazine
Carpentry
..
..
..
A long while later during the worst of the worst I can remember thinking about throwing away all of my past life and starting afresh and coming to the conclusion it would be better to come to terms with it all and have it is the basis for what would come next as it is the basis whether you want to see it or not
I am cold at the moment
(-:
Monday 27 September 2010
54 and liking so much
I am at a stage in my life where I am content on so many levels.
I do have patterns in my life that I still would like to be different but I live in the country I live in and and and etc
I love the thought of being my own financial boss
In order to provide for myself financially I have to meet people
In order to be a stable business it is best to have long term customers - people you deal with for years if possible
Therefore I have to live a high income, self employed, low lifestyle life so that I can get enough money to live for a length of time on before I have to meet another human with gaining money as the ultimate aim
At the moment, and for the past 20 plus years I have lived a very low income, very low lifestyle self employed or ill way of life that, with few odd exceptions, like the trial for a company delivering gas to sites in Scotland, or looking after my friend's smallholding for a week, or the time I tried to be a minor drug dealer - and failed, with few odd exceptions would have been an amazing waste of a happy, loving, caring human's life...
... were it not for
...
...
...
The mental illness, the damage and a brain the size of a planet!!
The plot was hatched
The project starts
The story builds
I do have patterns in my life that I still would like to be different but I live in the country I live in and and and etc
I love the thought of being my own financial boss
In order to provide for myself financially I have to meet people
In order to be a stable business it is best to have long term customers - people you deal with for years if possible
Therefore I have to live a high income, self employed, low lifestyle life so that I can get enough money to live for a length of time on before I have to meet another human with gaining money as the ultimate aim
At the moment, and for the past 20 plus years I have lived a very low income, very low lifestyle self employed or ill way of life that, with few odd exceptions, like the trial for a company delivering gas to sites in Scotland, or looking after my friend's smallholding for a week, or the time I tried to be a minor drug dealer - and failed, with few odd exceptions would have been an amazing waste of a happy, loving, caring human's life...
... were it not for
...
...
...
The mental illness, the damage and a brain the size of a planet!!
The plot was hatched
The project starts
The story builds
I eventually got sent to a nose specialist
My nose specialist was a very gentle man
I said
"Do I have to hurl my head backwards and twist myself into some strange shape so you can see what you need to see?"
He said
"No need to hurl your head back or contort yourself for me. Just sit where you are and very slightly tilt your head - no, not that much, just a tiny bit. That's it."
He too some stainless steel nostril spreaders and gently slightly widened my nose holes. Gently and slightly.
"You need a scan so we can see more" he said
I went to the scan
He saw the results
"Polyps. Nasal Polyps" he said
"Lots of them - absolutely packed. Beeen growing for a long long time. Wonder how anyone missed that?" he mused
Do I sue?
Or do I just decide I am as worthless as the doctors have for all these years?
I said
"Do I have to hurl my head backwards and twist myself into some strange shape so you can see what you need to see?"
He said
"No need to hurl your head back or contort yourself for me. Just sit where you are and very slightly tilt your head - no, not that much, just a tiny bit. That's it."
He too some stainless steel nostril spreaders and gently slightly widened my nose holes. Gently and slightly.
"You need a scan so we can see more" he said
I went to the scan
He saw the results
"Polyps. Nasal Polyps" he said
"Lots of them - absolutely packed. Beeen growing for a long long time. Wonder how anyone missed that?" he mused
Do I sue?
Or do I just decide I am as worthless as the doctors have for all these years?
I was four or five when i first became sexually aware
Which would have been really odd surrounded by other children who weren't had it not been for two girls of my own age who both were sex maniacs - well, one of then definitely was!
Thinking about it there were actually four or five girls where I grew up who were enjoyably sexual
One was my best friend who I lost because we were discovered being sexual with each other - I never saw her again
Thinking about it there were actually four or five girls where I grew up who were enjoyably sexual
One was my best friend who I lost because we were discovered being sexual with each other - I never saw her again
Saturday 25 September 2010
I sat on a sunlit hillside one summer's evening, the rifle up at my shoulder
There was a beautiful cock pheasant strutting it's stuff on a further hilltop - a dust covered field of stubble from the recent wheat cropping.
In the middle distance ran a road through the throat of the valley. A minor class road with a few bushes and trees along its borders. There were a few cars runing slowly from a to b.
My rifle had a kill humans range of about a mile, maybe a mile and a quarter on a good day.
Pheasant or car?
I fired at the pheasant and whipped the dust at his feet. He flew.
I turned and dropped my aim to the road below.
I fired
In the middle distance ran a road through the throat of the valley. A minor class road with a few bushes and trees along its borders. There were a few cars runing slowly from a to b.
My rifle had a kill humans range of about a mile, maybe a mile and a quarter on a good day.
Pheasant or car?
I fired at the pheasant and whipped the dust at his feet. He flew.
I turned and dropped my aim to the road below.
I fired
Friday 24 September 2010
Imagine tearing up a king size bed sheet into nose rags
Nose rags
Imagine your nose is running as if you have a severe allergy to something or you have one hell of a cold
One of those runs that can catch you unawares and just drop from your nose onto anything below, your dinner, the book you are reading, the computer you are repairing, your lover's head.
Or one of those explosive ejections that looks like a green/yellow flying spiders web or small bucket of gloop - especially good when in a crowd of friends and one of them makes you laugh.
I don't have to imagine the above
Many years of the above
Imagine your nose is running as if you have a severe allergy to something or you have one hell of a cold
One of those runs that can catch you unawares and just drop from your nose onto anything below, your dinner, the book you are reading, the computer you are repairing, your lover's head.
Or one of those explosive ejections that looks like a green/yellow flying spiders web or small bucket of gloop - especially good when in a crowd of friends and one of them makes you laugh.
I don't have to imagine the above
Many years of the above
I started to lose my sense of smell when I was 16
By the time I moved to this part of the UK it was a rare moment when I could smell something. Anything.
I have spent many a wasted moment over the past twenty years asking doctors why. When was the Queen Mother 80? That was a week after I saw my first specialist regarding my nose. Non specific Vasomotor Rhinitis was the decision.
for many doctors it was an easy answer to give
Smoking
I smoke
I have spent many a wasted moment over the past twenty years asking doctors why. When was the Queen Mother 80? That was a week after I saw my first specialist regarding my nose. Non specific Vasomotor Rhinitis was the decision.
for many doctors it was an easy answer to give
Smoking
I smoke
Anosmia
http://www.senseofsmell.org/feature/smell101/lesson2/02.php
Total loss of the sense of smell, known as Anosmia, results from various causes and can have a profound effect on a person’s quality of life. Olfactory damage is a significant sensory loss that affects 1-2% of the American population. Approximately 200,000 people seek medical attention related to smell disorders each year in the United States (Doty, 2003). Occasionally damage to the sense of smell goes undetected, even though smell dysfunction can severely alter a person’s quality of life and even put them at risk for many dangers.
Studies show that the majority of the two million Americans that experience smell loss are age 65 or older, as the sense of smell tends to decrease with age. Dr. Susan Schiffman from Duke University reports, “gradual reduction, or loss, of taste and smell appears to be an unfortunate but normal part of aging” (http://.obssr.od.nih.gov/Publications/TASTE.HTM, 2005). Additionally, the elderly population is more susceptible to the types of infections that lead to olfactory damage.
Quality of life is dependent on the olfactory system, as smell, memories, and feelings are intertwined to form an inextricable link that Gabrielle Glaser eloquently describes in, The Nose, A Profile of Sex, Beauty, and Survival. The book cites research about the ability of fragrance to elevate mood, and discusses the sense of smell’s impact on well-being and overall happiness. While the scientific community increasingly embraces the positive role of pleasant aromas on our well-being, Glaser believes that in the general population the sense of smell is the most underappreciated of all the senses. It is only when people actually experience smell loss that they come to appreciate the many ways it enhances their lives and perceptions of the world around them. One woman who lost her ability to smell in her mid-forties describes the devastation of her loss like living every day “in a sealed bubble”. She also now suffers from depression that is attributed to her anosomia (Glaser, 135).
Patients suffering from smell impairment, whether it is partial or total loss, ordinarily report problems associated with safety, eating, and feelings of insecurity since they cannot detect their own body odors (Hummel, 2003). The sense of smell serves to determine the flavor of foods, beverages, and is a critical detector of hazards such as natural leaking gas, smoke, pollutants, and spoiled foods. Changes in the sense of smell can also weaken a person’s immune system and contribute to digestive disorders.
http://www.senseofsmell.org/feature/smell101/lesson2/02.php
Total loss of the sense of smell, known as Anosmia, results from various causes and can have a profound effect on a person’s quality of life. Olfactory damage is a significant sensory loss that affects 1-2% of the American population. Approximately 200,000 people seek medical attention related to smell disorders each year in the United States (Doty, 2003). Occasionally damage to the sense of smell goes undetected, even though smell dysfunction can severely alter a person’s quality of life and even put them at risk for many dangers.
Studies show that the majority of the two million Americans that experience smell loss are age 65 or older, as the sense of smell tends to decrease with age. Dr. Susan Schiffman from Duke University reports, “gradual reduction, or loss, of taste and smell appears to be an unfortunate but normal part of aging” (http://.obssr.od.nih.gov/Publications/TASTE.HTM, 2005). Additionally, the elderly population is more susceptible to the types of infections that lead to olfactory damage.
Quality of life is dependent on the olfactory system, as smell, memories, and feelings are intertwined to form an inextricable link that Gabrielle Glaser eloquently describes in, The Nose, A Profile of Sex, Beauty, and Survival. The book cites research about the ability of fragrance to elevate mood, and discusses the sense of smell’s impact on well-being and overall happiness. While the scientific community increasingly embraces the positive role of pleasant aromas on our well-being, Glaser believes that in the general population the sense of smell is the most underappreciated of all the senses. It is only when people actually experience smell loss that they come to appreciate the many ways it enhances their lives and perceptions of the world around them. One woman who lost her ability to smell in her mid-forties describes the devastation of her loss like living every day “in a sealed bubble”. She also now suffers from depression that is attributed to her anosomia (Glaser, 135).
Patients suffering from smell impairment, whether it is partial or total loss, ordinarily report problems associated with safety, eating, and feelings of insecurity since they cannot detect their own body odors (Hummel, 2003). The sense of smell serves to determine the flavor of foods, beverages, and is a critical detector of hazards such as natural leaking gas, smoke, pollutants, and spoiled foods. Changes in the sense of smell can also weaken a person’s immune system and contribute to digestive disorders.
http://www.senseofsmell.org/feature/smell101/lesson2/02.php
Smell
http://www.senseofsmell.org/feature/smell101/lesson1/01.php
Whether for finding food, avoiding predators or choosing a mate, the sense of smell is critical for the existence of almost all creatures. We humans, able to distinguish over 10,000 different odor molecules, utilize our sense of smell for a multitude of activities from enjoying the aroma of freshly brewed coffee to deciding whom not to sit next to on the bus.
Whether for finding food, avoiding predators or choosing a mate, the sense of smell is critical for the existence of almost all creatures. We humans, able to distinguish over 10,000 different odor molecules, utilize our sense of smell for a multitude of activities from enjoying the aroma of freshly brewed coffee to deciding whom not to sit next to on the bus.
When I was ill
I hid away from people
I starved
I became so paranoid I talked out loud to the corners of the room at the cameras that actually weren't there
I was on the verge of dying a number of times
I became so suicidal I am still surprised to be here today
I broke myself in order to rebuild a better me
It worked to a great extent
I starved
I became so paranoid I talked out loud to the corners of the room at the cameras that actually weren't there
I was on the verge of dying a number of times
I became so suicidal I am still surprised to be here today
I broke myself in order to rebuild a better me
It worked to a great extent
I nearlly killed one of my children
Before my first child was 9 months old I came close to swinging him by his feet and smashing his head against the wall
I have spent 54 years of my life on this planet
I love this World
I feel truly alive many times
I am not phased by scale
I take drugs
I have been doing my own thing since forever
I have lived in the west and in the east of the UK as well as a bit in the south and the north
99% of the people I have talked to since being on this planet have been ok
When I was a young teenager it dawned on me that the money system that was controlling my parents lives and their abilities to provide for us was based on a known and accepted lie - Join in and you can change the world from the inside - join in and you are bought and paid for - for the amount you earn you add ten or a hundred fold to the resources of those who oppress others - the top 10% - after many years what do I think now?
I have come close to dying a number of times whilst trying to live to the full
I have had a long, long period of reconstruction following a major period of illness - 2 fifths of my life has been lonely illness
I have been married more than once
I have children of both sexes
I am a grandparent
I enjoy being close with living things
I don't mind my own company
I enjoy depth of knowledge of and with women
I went through a time of wanting to kill
I have stood up to bullies and I have been a bully
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