In order to be a human and a whole one at that apparently it is necessary to have your own focus in life
I started of with an art as my focus
When I tried to make my art my living it started ok ish but soon dived into a pleasure bending marriage ending spiral down into illness
So, whilst I was wondering if I was Prince Charles - I did have big ears and I did say controversial things and I did have a beautiful young wife and two children at the time - or whilst I was talking to the cameras and microphones in the walls of our house or practicing in my head how I would receive the bullet that was about to rip through my neck - would I jiggle just so in order that it would pass through all my major organs and not harm me - could I really be the second coming? Can I drive through that wall and float over the tree tops?
Well, there was that lot and more - I kept knocking my elbows off for one thing
Every time we needed money as a family I froze - couldn't work it - mentally headfucked for days, months sometimes.
Christmas and birthdays were a nightmare
I had set up my life pattern so that only if someone walked into my life with an offer of something I could do and a cash sum at the end of it would I then do it - I kept meeting new people and my head was in overload anyway
If you are running a life using a brain that is pre fucked ready for your misuse then you are assigned to the pits of hell... and so is anyone around you... your wives your children your friends your neighbors those you work with
If there is damage done it needs mending
Happy dancing spirits are held down by deep inadequacies, by woes that fill buckets, by sadness and longing, by tragedies and pain.
My children and my wife and family and friends rarely got any presents off me
towards the end of the worst of the worst even if I did get a job to do at the right time it would still fuck up for one reason or another - I might do a superb job but have the person decide not to pay or I might slip and snap something because my hands were shaking so much - not from drink, or drugs but illness.
During all of this, all the shit times in fact, over many many many years, my survival and my brain's survival has been one of my main aims.
Had to be
When I was being damaged, after I was damaged, when I was ill, during the now days of my then, I had to hold something steady. Had to maintain something that was pathlike, string like, a direction, 'my way'
I remember after everything had fallen to bits on me for the umpteenth time a long while before any of the speak about I just spoke about I drew up a list of different next directions that I might choose from
Alexander Technique
Publish a magazine
Carpentry
..
..
..
A long while later during the worst of the worst I can remember thinking about throwing away all of my past life and starting afresh and coming to the conclusion it would be better to come to terms with it all and have it is the basis for what would come next as it is the basis whether you want to see it or not
I am cold at the moment
(-:
